February 17, 2010

Stupid Decisions

Lately I’ve been really down in the dumps. I find myself so unhappy with decisions I’ve made and the fact that I can’t do anything about it. As hard as I try to think of a way out, I can’t.
No. I am NOT talking about my marriage. It’s actually the opposite. I’m talking about the move I made back to the states. I’m not sure if I really do just down right hate it here or if it’s just me being lonely for my husband. Everything I do I picture the two of us doing whatever it is together. Whether it be something simple like making dinner for the two of us [instead of just for me], going grocery shopping together, sleeping in the same bed at night, or it could be something that he wouldn’t do with me even if he were here. Things like sitting in class with me, being able to walk the halls with his hand in mine instead of just watching everyone else holding hands.

You know, before I even met my husband (back when I was single) I would get so jealous of people who showed off their interlocking hands in public. I wanted that. I wanted to be able to show people that I had my someone. Now that I have him, it’s a totally different scenario. His hands are in Mexico and mine are here. Both sets of hands have matches, but they can only reunite on weekends.

Anyways, back to what I was saying…

It might very well be that the place I chose to live wasn’t the best choice. Not just the city but the surrounding towns as well. Even the apartment complex isn’t what I had in mind. Everything lately seems wrong.

Even people I’ve met at school or prospective jobs ask why I would move from living in Guatemala or Chicago to here. Simple. My husband. I would love to move some where that has exciting things to do and cool things to see. I just don’t want to be far from my husband. Even though I moved back to the states, I can’t imagine if I would have made an even BIGGER mistake by moving some where farther from him.

Now that I realize that I was getting depressed, I have to think positive. So to those I’ve been a witch to, I’m sorry. I know I’ve been hard to be around. It’s just really hard to bear sometimes and I’m sorry if I had a breakdown near or with you. Especially my mom and sister, I know they’ve been present. I’m sorry!

With all that said, I have one thing to ask. Pray for me. Pray for my husband. Pray for the NVC. Pray that we have a visa in hand very, very soon.

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